Friday, September 29, 2023
Home Lifestyle We Need to Talk about Hand Dryers...

We Need to Talk about Hand Dryers…

It’s 2020, so can we finally talk about those blow jobs? I mean those hand jobs. I mean hand dryers.

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but as a human being, I don’t like to have moist hands when I walk out of a public bathroom. To be fair, I don’t want moist hands walking in or while I’m in there either, nor do I want to be using a public bathroom in general (I’m more of a home games only type of person). But honestly, can we make it law that bathrooms either have paper towels or those powerful, jet-engine hand dryers?

Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy

I don’t want it to feel like my hands are drying in a cool autumn breeze. I don’t want the strength of airflow coming out of the hand dryer to take me back to my 3rd-grade music class when we learned how to play the recorder (get at me with those “Hot Cross Buns”).

If you’re putting a hand dryer in your bathroom, don’t be an asshole. Put one in there that actually dries people’s hands. I get it. It’s still better for the environment. Do you want to know what’s not good for the environment though? Me spending the rest of my day in a blind rage because I had to stand there for 5 minutes while what feels like a 4-year-old trapped in the wall blows on my hands.

Hefty, Hefty, Hefty

I want to feel a force when I put my hands under that dryer. I want to think, damn, maybe this thing has too much power behind it. I want to be that guy in the stereo commercial getting blown backward because of the power. The skin on my fat hands should be rippling with the raw power of blown air. I don’t want there to be any doubt that I missed a spot.

Do they sound like a barreling locomotive? Sure. Do I give two shits? No. It’s a public bathroom. I’m not there for the ambiance. I’m there to get in and out as quickly as possible and God forbid I have to spend any more time inside of one than absolutely necessary.

But…Paper Towels

Look. It’s 2020. We shouldn’t need to use paper to dry our hands. We aren’t neanderthals anymore. If you’re going to bring some weak-ass hand dryer to the party though, you better be supplying an alternative drying method. I don’t want to use paper towels. Obviously, I’m extremely woke and care about the environment and shit, but I would rather cut down a tree and process it into a paper towel myself than have to rely on some two-cent hand dryer. 

To Arms!

Talk to your building supervisor. Call your congressperson (see…woke. I said “person” instead of “man”). I really don’t know what to do. The most actionable thing I think we could all do is just to stop using broke-ass hand dryers. Give your boss a wet handshake, and when they question it, tell them it’s because your drying devices suck. Only then, through these little acts of not-so-obvious domestic terrorism, can we cause real change.


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